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Just another Saturday night blogging session. Watching Stigmata, one of my all time favourite movies. I love the theme throughout it.
Ugh d wanted to have one of his 'money' talks today. I hate them as he has obviously thought about what he wants to say for days and I end up listening to a rehearsed speech and end up feeling managed and pissed off. He's now decided we need to be home owners before starting a family. Which is fine, except he has been 'baby baby baby' for so long and I felt so pressured about that but was just getting my head around it and now it's on hold as he's decided that's the way it should be. Who knew marriage would be so hard? Then he doesn't get why I'm upset, which drives me nuts!
I miss J. I miss being able to talk to him about all of this. He was such a good mate and now because of our genders we can't be friends as it upsets too many people. When we worked together we could chat, now that we don't have work at the same place we can only communicate via heavily filtered work e-mail and text. It sucks. I miss him. We could talk to each other about our relationships and give each genders perspective on what we were going through. Now there is no one.
When diid it all get so hard? Everyone I know is out living their life and I'm at home alone as my partner is at work and it's wrong to be out and about without him.

I dreamt of Dad this week. He was in England to visit me. We were talking on the phone. It was his voice loud and clear. I was so happy in the dream. He was coming to surprise me. I woke up so happy to have talked to him. Now it the happiness seems to be wearing off as he's not here and I can't will myself to dream of him every night. I heard his voice so clearly. He was so happy to be coming to visit. Why is death so hard? Other people seem to lose parents and just deal so easily. As a person in my 30s I should be ready to lose a parent. It's to be expected. Yet it cuts like a knife every day.
Agh woe is me ... time to get back to Stigmata!