I wish I could talk to you.
I wish I could hear your voice
I have been neurotically checking my phone for a msg from you even though it's obvious there is no msg.
I miss my friend, I miss our laughter.
Why can't we hang out? Why is it so hard for us to be mates?
You started this but then you freak yourself out and disappear. Just when I'm moving on, you're back. I want to have the strength to tell you to fuck off. The problem is you're the only one I feel alive around. My heart doesn't hurt when I'm with you. I'm just me. I am never just me anymore. I am an array of masks that hide me.
Lonliness is eating me up from the inside like a virus. I feel hollow. I am nobody anymore. I want to run away and start again. I want my life to make sense again. I want to be knowing where I'm going instead of drifting. I'm driftwood hollow and of no use.
I think I love you in some sense of that word. Is that wrong? Too much? Well it's true, I love you.

Oh yeah, took my dream about Dad to the counsellor. There I was being all like 'see how well I'm doing I can dream about him again, I moving fwd!' Instead I am still back at about step -2. Apparently I have even scratched the suface in dealing with it. I want to be with him so badly I recreated a dream where that happened. How fucked up is that? The worse part is, it's completely true. I have no family, I have no people. Who are my people now? I look after everyone. Dad was the only one who looked after me. Who will look after me now? Who will make sure I'm OK?