I wish I could talk to you.
I wish I could hear your voice
I have been neurotically checking my phone for a msg from you even though it's obvious there is no msg.
I miss my friend, I miss our laughter.
Why can't we hang out? Why is it so hard for us to be mates?
You started this but then you freak yourself out and disappear. Just when I'm moving on, you're back. I want to have the strength to tell you to fuck off. The problem is you're the only one I feel alive around. My heart doesn't hurt when I'm with you. I'm just me. I am never just me anymore. I am an array of masks that hide me.
Lonliness is eating me up from the inside like a virus. I feel hollow. I am nobody anymore. I want to run away and start again. I want my life to make sense again. I want to be knowing where I'm going instead of drifting. I'm driftwood hollow and of no use.
I think I love you in some sense of that word. Is that wrong? Too much? Well it's true, I love you.

Oh yeah, took my dream about Dad to the counsellor. There I was being all like 'see how well I'm doing I can dream about him again, I moving fwd!' Instead I am still back at about step -2. Apparently I have even scratched the suface in dealing with it. I want to be with him so badly I recreated a dream where that happened. How fucked up is that? The worse part is, it's completely true. I have no family, I have no people. Who are my people now? I look after everyone. Dad was the only one who looked after me. Who will look after me now? Who will make sure I'm OK?

blah

Just another Saturday night blogging session. Watching Stigmata, one of my all time favourite movies. I love the theme throughout it.
Ugh d wanted to have one of his 'money' talks today. I hate them as he has obviously thought about what he wants to say for days and I end up listening to a rehearsed speech and end up feeling managed and pissed off. He's now decided we need to be home owners before starting a family. Which is fine, except he has been 'baby baby baby' for so long and I felt so pressured about that but was just getting my head around it and now it's on hold as he's decided that's the way it should be. Who knew marriage would be so hard? Then he doesn't get why I'm upset, which drives me nuts!
I miss J. I miss being able to talk to him about all of this. He was such a good mate and now because of our genders we can't be friends as it upsets too many people. When we worked together we could chat, now that we don't have work at the same place we can only communicate via heavily filtered work e-mail and text. It sucks. I miss him. We could talk to each other about our relationships and give each genders perspective on what we were going through. Now there is no one.
When diid it all get so hard? Everyone I know is out living their life and I'm at home alone as my partner is at work and it's wrong to be out and about without him.

I dreamt of Dad this week. He was in England to visit me. We were talking on the phone. It was his voice loud and clear. I was so happy in the dream. He was coming to surprise me. I woke up so happy to have talked to him. Now it the happiness seems to be wearing off as he's not here and I can't will myself to dream of him every night. I heard his voice so clearly. He was so happy to be coming to visit. Why is death so hard? Other people seem to lose parents and just deal so easily. As a person in my 30s I should be ready to lose a parent. It's to be expected. Yet it cuts like a knife every day.
Agh woe is me ... time to get back to Stigmata!

peace again... well not as anxiious

So peace has taken over my being again after another 24 anxious hours. I know I should go to the doctor but they will just want to put me on anti depressants and I don't want that. They're too long term. Too many side effects. I don't know what to do. I would have asked Dad but he's gone and I just don't know what to do. Why is it so hard to make my life work without him? it's like someone has ripped a hole in the fabric of my soul and I am desperately trying to sew it back together but it keeps tearing and getting bigger. Every time it gets bigger the pain gets worse. It's meant to be getting easier with time but it's not, it's just another day further in time from the day he went away. It drives me mad as I just go over and over the same emotional stuff everyday. I am so boring. I am obsessed with thoughts of him, the way my life was before he died. It made sense. I knew where I was going. Now I'm willing to take stupid risks for the sake of a 10 min buzz, I will take anything that will ease the pain. nothing numbs it. Nothing anaesthetises the hurt. I have no one to talk to no one to turn to. How could Dad just leave and there be nothing left of him. No remenamts of his being. No essence. I miss him being in my dreams.
Bah listen to me going on an on about the same ole shite... I really am pathetic. I am weak and a shell of a person.
I need to get a life... a life without all this pain. Plus I bought false lash effect mascara today and I look like a racoon!

Anxious

I hate feeling like this. The anxiety is unbearable. It just sits in my chest and gets worse and worse. It is never ending. It is exhausting. I just want to feel peceful.

A weird day

Today was hard. I sometimes worry that D and I have become strangers after working opposite hours for the past few years. We went for a drive today and it just felt flat and strained. I can't seem to say anything right. I guess in a marriage you can't be in sync all the time, it's just so lonely as there is no one to talk to about it. Most people's reaction you'll get past it. I am so scared of becoming a divorce statistic. The one thing I never want to be but I can understand how easily it can happen. People grow apart and take different paths in lives. How do you make sure you stay on the same path? What is the recipe for a successful marriage? My parents didn't have one. They stayed together for all the wrong reasons and rarely had a nice word to say about each other. It tool my dad's death for my Mum to appreciate him. Maybe today is just a blue day. Things will probably look much better in the morning. One can hope.

D and I had a good time last weekend in Hastings, so it's not a total washout. I am probably just being a drama queen and over analysing the situation.

Why has my cat gone nuts all of a sudden?

Brits

Agh my stupid father for passing away before seeing the Pet Shop Boys win a lifetime achievement award for their 25 years in the industry. He would have loved it! Theie medley was very cool, especially Westend Girls. He also missed out on ever hearing Duffy and as she is so Dusty Springfield he obviously would have loved her. Stupid man, I miss you!
x

Random Thoughts

Sitting at home watching episode 1 of Dollhouse. I am such a Joss Whedon fan I am hoping it is everthing it potentially can be. It's Valentines Day too not that it has ever eant much but sometimes I do miss being part of the masses out for dinner with my hubby. He's at work tending to all of those people.

This show is quite confusing. Not too sure what's it all about at the moment. It's jumping around a bit at the moment. Eliza Dushku still looks amazing. She must hit the gym hard everyday. Hmmm I think I'm getting into it know. Really it's an excuse to dress beautiful girls up as many different characters.

The bushfires back at home were quite scary this week. They seemed to get quite close to Mum. I worry about her own her own a lot. I just can't wrap my head around why someone would deliberately start such a fire. Completely destructive behaviour resulting in hundreds of deaths or injuries.

I'm going to attach my fav koala video from the bushfires back home.